Hard Work Thoughts

I spent much of my day today stacking firewood in my backyard. Yes, I know it’s July, and about 95 degrees with the humidity topping out at around 120%, but you can never be too prepared for the coming winter months. Now this article has absolutely nothing to do with my firewood, but it’s a good setup, so just follow along. Most people in this situation would let the time pass with their iPod blaring in their ears, rocking out and dancing around with their wood in their hands (get your mind out of the gutter) but I am the one person on Earth who doesn’t own one. (Those who know me know that I have an aversion to technological dependency and therefore shy away from many such devices.) I do tend to have music running through my head though, so I guess I am sort of a mePod. Unfortunately it is usually the same song over and over. Today it was Peter Gabriel’s Shock the Monkey. Great song, but what the hell are those lyrics even about? We’ll discuss this another time, because this isn’t about music either. Just keep up, we’re getting there.

So, I was out there for almost 4 hours, just me, a bunch of dead logs and my thoughts. This is my time to think. I ruminate about things affecting my life, make plans for the future, wonder about situations I may encounter, think about movie ideas to write and find new things to complain about.

While out there today I kept remembering a commercial I’ve seen multiple times, usually late at night and on the less traveled channels. It is the one for Uncle Majic: The Hip Hop Magician. Now if you live in my area, you probably know the commercial I’m talking about; an annoying guy, with an improbably high pitched voice, yells at you while simultaneously attacking the camera with moves that I can only assume are meant to be edgy. If you don’t know the commercial, you can check it out here (and I suggest you do – those 30 seconds you take will allow the rest of this to make much more sense) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46sZcYmDLnw

You've seen it? Great, so let's get started. Let’s start with the obvious; what exactly makes him a “hip hop” magician? Nothing in this commercial leads me to this conclusion. There’s no musical beats pounding away, no flashing lights, not even a girl in a shiny gold bikini and glitter eye shadow dancing seductively on a pedestal. Are we to suppose he is hip hop simply because he is black? (Or for the fact that he can’t spell magic for that matter?) If so, wouldn’t that make me a racist? No no no; I’m not falling into that trap. So now that we’ve dispelled with this assertion let’s move on. The next thing we see is Uncle Majic’s partner Shock-Kim the Clown. Who is he kidding? It is obvious that it is just Uncle Majic in a cheap dime-store costume department red nose. He wouldn’t fool a blind 2-year-old with that disguise, but we are to believe that he has a business partner with whom he splits the profits. This is obviously just a ploy to fool the IRS; so maybe that’s what makes him hip hop – a criminal background. Either way, now he begins to argue with his evil doppelganger as they each make the claim that they are the one who celebrities call for their kids birthday parties. I find this claim suspect at best and an outright lie at the most. Where is his verification for this? Who are these so-called celebrities? I have a feeling he is using the loosest definition possible of the word in order to avoid any false advertising claims. But let’s make the assumption that, in some strange far away alternate universe, there is some celebrity who hired this clown (double meaning). What kind of celebrity could this be? I’ll tell you what kind. The kind who hates his kid, that’s who. The kind who feels his child isn’t worth any more than hiring a late night television, low rent advertising, public access worthy magician as opposed to a competent entertainer who may be able to hold the attention of a room full of third graders on a birthday cake and ice cream high.

But let me tell you what I think Uncle Majic is really about. He is a cult leader whose commercials are meant to bolster his flock. That’s what all those quick hand movements at the camera are – some sort of attempt at hypnotism. And when he does succeed in luring unsuspecting lambs to his compound, how does he get his followers to obey him you may ask? Violence is his answer. The proof is right at the end of his indoctrination video… um, I mean his commercial. He asks the question I am sure he has posed over and over in order to brainwash his victims – “Who’s your favorite uncle!?” (It really comes across more as a demand than a question actually.) The child who yells his insisted answer is missing his front teeth, clearly from Uncle Majic going all Chris Brown on him on the many occasions when he provided the incorrect relative as an answer. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what makes him hip hop.