I’ve just spent the last 15 minutes cleaning hair out of my shower drain. If you know me, and even worse know my hair, you would have one question right off the bat. So let me begin by clarifying that this was not my hair. While my hair may be leaving me at a rapid rate, rest assured it does not have the ability to clog a drain. No, this would be the very long locks of my girlfriend which has been occupying my plumbing for some time now. I’m not really sure why she cannot complete the simple task of bending down to dispose of the bird nest herself after a shower, but I guess if that is the worst of what I have to put up with, with everything she tolerates from me, then I shouldn’t complain. But getting my pipes cleaned is not what this is about.
While I was kneeling over the tub, I thought to myself, “God, life really sucks sometimes.” They never show you this stuff on television. You never see the day-to-day minutia. Now of course, television is all about entertainment, so why would some writer put in a scene of someone doing something that everyone hates to do. It would be off putting, and not very interesting to boot. But if a writer wouldn’t put it into a sit-com or a crime drama, why do we not get to see it on one of the plethora of reality shows that permeate the airwaves?
Speaking of reality shows, and hair in the drain, forgive me if I go off on a tangent here for a moment. (Although if you have read any of my posts, you would know that all I have are tangents.) I was watching a show last week on A&E called, well I’m not positive really, but it was something along the lines of Strange Addictions or Weird Obsessions or something like that. Anyway, if you haven’t seen it you are missing out on one of lives great oddities. It’s a show where a parade of weirdoes discuss the bizarre habits they have. There is a girl who is obsessed with eating toilet paper (hopefully clean), one who eats drywall and a girl who eats her own hair. Now speaking of hair, this is getting close to what I was discussing. The show last week had a young man who was obsessed with pulling hair out of people’s drains. He would be invited to someone’s house, excuse himself to use the restroom, and then go to work. He would use a wire to snake the pipes and would not give up until he pulled out a big, stinking, dripping rattail of hair. He had to go see a therapist for it and everything. Just earlier I was wishing that I knew this gentleman. I could call him up, invite him over and hope that at some point he would want to use the facilities. Then I could avoid this whole messy job I was doing. But trust me, the show is a true guilty pleasure.
Now I realize that what I have just done is disprove my point, because here was a show that portrayed the very task I have just bemoaned television for not portraying. But really, it didn’t. It did not show someone doing a menial task that is derided in a realistic way. It wasn’t a chore someone had to perform because the water in their shower was slowly creeping up past their ankles, like a filthy, soap-scummy soup. And why is this? Because nothing on television is real. All of the so-called reality shows are scripted messes. Don’t you wonder why on Survivor when it rains everyone suddenly has yellow ponchos? Do you take the time to think about why some of the worst singers stick around for so long on American Idol? (Psst. It’s because the producers choose who they want for ratings and your votes don’t actually count.) Haven’t you thought that there is no way the Bachelorette is going to fall so deeply in love in just a few short weeks? Especially after she sleeps with all those guys. What is the deal with that anyway? This show is little more than televised prostitution. What guy would even want her after she’s been befouled by all those others? But I guess, seeing as how it’s all fixed anyway, and these “relationships” are phony and just for show, it doesn’t really matter. The Real Housewives are not. If they all hated each other that much they would stop going to each others houses. The Biggest Loser people do start out fat and end up skinny, but I don’t know how seeing as how much scenery is chewed throughout all that household drama. I will concede to watching this show though. I mean, come on, I could watch blubbery masses falling off a treadmill all day. That's just good tv. While I will admit that the Jersey Shore characters are stupid in real life, nobody is that dumb. If they were, they would have to be reminded to breathe every few minutes. Also, the continuity on that show is not very good, where clothing and props change from shot to shot. Go to Jersey and watch them film sometime. You’ll see how much standing around is done between takes. (On second thought, don’t go to Jersey. Ever!) Some of the worst offenders are the set up shows on TruTV. (Has a station ever had a more ironic name?) Operation Repo, Hardcore Pawn, Southern Fried Stings and all those other shows are more set up than your ugly cousin on prom night. Be smart people. All you have to look at is the perfect camera angles whenever something unexpected happens. Ultimately, isn’t it odd that the credits of everyone of these shows lists writers? I have spoken with several people from one of these shows and they have confirmed that scenes are re-shot and that producers, while maybe not telling them exactly what to say, lead them in the direction they want the drama to take.
So what does all this mean? It basically means that there is no such thing as reality television. If you want to watch it, go right ahead. If you choose to enjoy it, that is your prerogative. But please, whatever you do, do not make yourself sound like an uneducated neophyte and discuss how you can’t believe what a certain character did on a nondescript show the night before as if it really happened. If you want reality, that’s what I’m here for.
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